Flambé anyone?

Wow - So I feel shitty
 
Ra Ra Army boy just got back from crawling through a random mud-strewn territory saw a friend of his and talked about calling me. Unwittingly it was mentioned that I was seeing another one of their friends...The English Gentleman. Apparently, he was crushed. And now I'm screwed. Well not really. But I am officially shitty.
 
What I fail to be able to come up with is how, even though last time he was in town I got no meaningful communication what-so-ever, I still feel crappy for moving on over 4 months later. And more than that, I still somehow feel like I’ve missed out on something. And I hate missing out. When I was a kid I’d fall asleep under the dining room table just in case being asleep in my room meant I’d miss out on vital conversations. Smart.
 
Have I missed out? Should I not be thinking 'oh well, never mind I was over him anyway but sweet he thought of me'? Aside from the fact the English Gentleman has proved he won't get out of bed or quit whining for a sniffle, why is it that I'm running the lines of maybe, maybe, maybe in my head?
 
Maybe the guilt is because they were friends, but then again I think I'd feel guilty in any case. Maybe its cause I’m female, would a guy feel and think this way? Is it my curse of loyalty? Or is it more self indulgent guilt - simply that I can no longer have my cake and eat it too? Even when I had decided that I no longer even liked cake!
 
Am I standing at the buffet of men - ignoring the mountains of other sweets, guiltily looking longingly at the lonely pieces of flambé and tart (which I know I don't really want) just because, well just because they are there, and someone's told me now I can't have any of it. I didn't want it before, I don't really want it now. But what I don't want is for the desserts not to feel lonely. And all I can do is stare and somehow hope that someone else from another table is desperately feeling like flambé or tart.
 
Maybe (and its my last maybe) this is how fat people feel and I just have to walk away.