Just because I gave you my number, doesn't mean I did it willingly.

Some idiot from the meat market last Friday night has just messaged me (again) saying 'how are you miss busy? thought your work-social life balance is what your company is most proud of'....ummm - my work-social life balance is just fine thanks. But good way to offend me in 67 characters or less. Its just that I don't want to include you in either work or life. In fact, if I had the chance I really don't want to have to speak to you again. That's why I haven't responded to you previous 4 inane and innocuous messages. Get it? I need to come up with some sort of Rosetta Stone of female language for general distribution amongst the male population. 
 
Sound it out with me gentlemen...
 
'No darling, of course the pub is fine, I don't really feel like a nice meal anyway' translates to...douchebag cheapskate why you think I would rather eat shit for dinner as opposed to something good I will never understand.
 
'Does my bum look big in this?' translates to...be very very careful if you want to get laid tonight.
 
and 'Ummmm - sure, really? Ummmm, ok....yeah....my number.....' translates to... No I don't want to give you my contact details, cause for the last 20 minutes I've been trying to signal my laughing friends to rescue me, excuse myself if you'd give me 10 seconds to speak and eye up your hot friend all without success you greasy smarm ball.
 
I don't see how hard they are to decipher. Honestly.
 
Lesson: If you somehow get my number and it didn't seem like I reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally wanted it give it you. I was being nice and you put me in the awkward position of calling my phone directly 'so I have yours'. And in terms of the next day, please, message once (just once, just in case) and then if no response, never again. I realise this might be hard to figure out. But its really no harder than learning Chinese or building something big and complex. And we all know your more than capable of doing either of those things.
 
I think perhaps I'll start giving my number out in roman numerals...half the idiots won't be able to figure it out, weed out the weak - Chinese could be a stretch for these imbeciles.