Text Message Thesis - Long but worth it (or not you twat)

Miss Vera recently gave me the most amazing book - The Proust Questionnaire. It's structured around a society game the French completed to amuse themselves at parties. It asks questions ranging from, What is your perfect idea of happiness? to Which living person do you most despise? It's genius (a yes, slightly unrelated) but it is with this in mind I will now answer the following:

Hercules has sent you 2 text messages. Anaylse and discuss:

(1) Hey sorry hadn't gotten back, was slammed yesterday shitty day actually, and not too much better today so far, on lighter note tho Bahamas was awesome and FL this wknd..And saw Miss Bottega at cluny on Sunday, she was looking good, I love those bloody mary's and short rib hash. (2) Hope you're well will call soon as I get chance.


(4 marks)


(1) Hey sorry hadn't gotten back (Just like you were so sorry for the 10 days I didn't hear a word from you after I hauled ass to NYC to see your miserable carcass - Sorry? Get fucked, I'd need to send a search party to find authenticity in that statement),

was slammed yesterday (Yawn, I'm sure, things are so hard when you do nothing all day, leave work at 4, lift 2 lb dumb-bells, drink cheap ass beers with the boys, perve on the waitress, stumble home and pass out on the sofa with a half eaten piece of pizza at 3am)

shitty day actually (That's cause your hangover ate the section of your brain that cared about anyone but yourself - I hope the financial market tanks on your positions),

and not too much better today so far (Seriously dude? Cry me a fucking river, I could care less about your measly day since you haven't bothered to ask about mine for the last 2 weeks. Did I mention my dog died, no - guess you wouldn’t know about that would you fly snorter),

on a lighter note (Thank god, I was starting to think you need even more therapy)

tho Bahamas was awesome and FL this wknd (Like I seriously give a flying rats ass, I hope you picked up a STD)..

And saw Miss Bottega at cluny on Sunday (I know, she emailed me straight away. She said she could see your disgusting blue bobble hat that I'm glad to see your now repulsing women with again, from across the street and ducked her head, but unfortunately she ended up running into you anyway - even my friends don't want to see you, and she is one of the most accommodating people I know - maybe you should get 'AVOID ME' tattooed on your head and be done with it),

she was looking good (Would you like her number? In fact, let me hand over all my friends numbers, they have to be better than the boring, skank whores in your circle of friends, it must suck to be such a loser and have had a glimpse of a life so out of your league - lets not pretend the mousey girl you were breakfasting with on the morning in question is anything less than a downgrade),

I love those bloody mary's and short rib hash (Eat up boy, gain another stone - just don't include me on your diet twitter page).

(2) (Otherwise known as the after thought text message)

Hope you're well will call soon as I get a chance (Don't bother, I'll be busy watching paint dry or dating your replacement...Zeus).


And if that doesn't get me an A+ - frankly, I dont know what will.