A wholey pants situation

The 20% Russian doesn't have any pants. Actually, let me re-phrase that. The 20% Russian has no trousers. No, again, let's get more specific. The 20% Russian definitely owns two pairs of work trousers - It just happens that BOTH of them seem to have developed holes the size of a small animal. Let's say a ferret. I'm not exaggerating (for once). And where are these holes I hear you chuckle? His crotch. Where else would they be?

This situation isn't made milder by the fact that he's going through a no underwear phase either. On the subway platform this morning I went through a minor phase of panic considering the consequences of one of those holes deciding to get substantially larger at any unsuspecting moment today. To be caught, not with your pants down by choice but instead to experience pure threadbare exposure? That's the stuff naked nightmares are made of.

He assures me this weekend will include a quick trip to Hugo Boss to re-stock but frankly, the man seems to have coped for weeks in his current fabric state. I'm worried he might think his luck will continue. These holes have grown large enough for a mouse to creep in or a snake to pop out, and no one needs that.

We'd previously discussed the notion of going shopping for some well needed essentials but since I'm jetting off to lay in the sun this weekend I won't be part of the shopping party. Lord knows what he'll come home with.

Then again as long as whatever he buys doesn't have holes in the crotch, perhaps I should just be grateful that he won't be arrested for flashing small children who have the misfortune of looking up at unfortunate angles.