If I could have your attention prior to take off please...

This might seem slightly off the topic, you know, of men. But I've been on amazing amounts of planes if you survey my life time, and I've just come to realise how ridiculous the whole safety demonstration is. In fact so ridiculous that I'm worried for the sake of humanity if this is how we think we are going to survive a fireball plane crash, but whatever.

Problem One: The Safety Card. Who looks at those things? Then again, who draws those things? And do they have any idea what people look like whilst a plane is crashing? Can they not even get actors in to get an idea? Rent a DVD, Snakes on a Plane comes to mind. Where is the realism? I want terrorised faces, I want close ups, tears, people making phone calls to loved ones saying they wont make the arrival time. I want people clawing to get out first. And most of all I want a fat kid looking confused with an inflated vest inside the cabin.

Problem Two. The Seatbelt. Look, if you can't figure out how to put the seatbelt on or take the damn thing off you shouldn't be on the plane. You shouldn't be allowed to travel. No exceptions. And for god-sake there should be no situation where a 'seatbelt challenged' user should be seated in the emergency row.

Problem Three. The Exit Row. I've been in the exit row, a lot, and I’d like to think im calm in a crisis. But to be honest - a crisis for me is choosing a alternate beverage if Starbucks is out of soy milk. And yesterday I couldn’t choose, so I left. Perhaps they should devise another method to pick a candidate to throw open the door to the 40,000 ft high club, one other than first in best dressed. (Otherwise known as first in first down the inflatable slide). I'm just not a great door bitch. Checking life jackets? High heel violations? Children without escorts (parents I mean, not for-hire dinner partners) - Ha, do you think I would stick around long enough? So frankly, I don't think 'just anyone' should be allowed to sit there. And me in particular, I defiantly shouldn't be allowed because if we're dive-bombing land sea or air, I'm just not going to pay any attention to anyone but myself, and possibly my hand luggage. Sorry, but I#m not. And yes I am taking my handbag with me. It's useful, and if we end up on a real-life version of Lost I’d like to have a book and some tampons thanks.

Face it, the brace position is utterly useless - besides the fact that if you're going to hit something at the speed of light falling out of the sky, I'm going to go out on a limb and say you're not surviving casuse you're crouched over. Well I just don’t think planes leave enough room to fold in half. I can't and I'm 5 4' and limber. So let's discuss the gymnastic ability of a 50 year old 6 2' man. Seriously? But on a positive note, the use of oxygen mask I'm ok with. I actually think they should drop it down most flights anyway - a shot of oxygen wouldn't do any harm, and frankly I'm paying for this trumped up form of travel - so I want my moneys worth. I know you've got oxygen back there. Give me some. Life vest seems ok too, although I'll hazard a guess that the light and the whistle aren’t going to be what attracts the attention if the plane crashes. Just a thought.

Maybe instead of the safety demonstration they could just hand out cocktails and play Snakes on a Plane II? Frankly I think they'd go down better (haha - get it? Go down - oh dear, maybe it isn't the sanity of humanity I should be worried about).