Check the weather report stat.

I'm freezing.

I've been icy for a while now and I don't really know why. The rest of my apartment is warm- but my bedroom, the place in which I find my solace and spend most of my time - with is old fashioned wooden floor and big window, well it just never seems to warm up. The water in the shower is never scorching no matter how high I turn it or how long I wait and it frustrates me no end. The only time I seem to feel genuinely toasty is when I'm hurrying somewhere rugged up against the chilling wind that oddly coerces tears from my eyes early in the morning. Tears that have nothing to do with emotion and everything to do with temperature.

The wind is aptly pulling from my body what my heart isn't sure it wants to let itself do.

No matter how hard I've tried in the last week to let go of the relationship that has ended with Hercules I still manage to feel a strange emotional coldness. A surprisingly numb feeling that has spread in a pattern inverse to the usual physical version. It creeps outwards from my heart right to the extremities. And yet, it's not uncomfortable, in fact, it's a calmness that feels eerily nurturing. I feel like I've woken up from a dream to find myself in the final stages of grieving something that I never understood but knew was somehow important to me. I can't even manage to put it into words that make sense.

I guess just because our time together was short I could assume it was unimportant. But even that, especially that, I don't think I can somehow say. I don't think I can safely relegate it to the short, sweet and meaningless category.

For the first time I don't want to analyse him or us, or whatever we had and it's a strange feeling for me. What I do find I'm feeling is the cold. Its almost like the hotter the feelings in the relationship the colder the end of it feels. And as the current numbness eventually wears away I just wonder if it is the end of the relationship that has me feeling this way, or if it's a change in my composition that I'm going to have to try and accommodate?

But for now my confusion seems to be confounded to tears only eked out by the cold weather. And to be fair, spring is only a few weeks away.

When you smile alone...

For someone who has an allergic reaction to long distance relationships I'm happily surprised to be in one. In fact, the only itching I’ve been doing seems to have resulted from the strange insect bite I obtained in the Bahamas and if you go by the unpublished Bible-of-my-mother, this can be attributed to a riotously vicious mosquito which my own insect infested childhood didn't quite prepare me...so much for building an immune system to ward off 6 legged creatures and man creeps. 
 
Without boring you with the promotional details like he's tall, handsome, kind, funny and sexy all at once. I can pretty much state that for better or worse he's pried open the vault which had, for a while perhaps, become my heart, jammed it open with a wedge of laughter and thrown down a bolt of happiness to stop it blowing shut. I in return have essentially thrown my abandon off a cliff - admitted, somewhat reluctantly, that I like him and discovered what its like to find myself smiling when there's no one else around. It's nice, it's been a while and it's different.
 
I've no idea where it's going or how long either of us can support this rather expensive air mile addiction we've developed, but I do know for the first time in a long time I don't want to shrug only to look back and say...shoulda, coulda, woulda...didnt, damn. In fact, for the first time in a long time I'd like to catch myself walking down a hallway, smile to no one in particular and say...did, doing, damn good.